Lagos...Centre of Excellent Traffic

Lagos the commercial nerve centre of Nigeria or the centre of excellence as its plate numbers state. Lagos, famous for its diversity of people, restaurants, cars, clubs, boats. Infamous for its filth, area boys and noise. If you can make it in Lagos, you can make it anywhere in the world, so they say. The night life is wonderful, from under the bridge in Obalende to the top night clubs in Ikoyi and Victoria Island, from the surroundings of the Atlantic Ocean to the slums of the mainland. It is a city that never goes to sleep. Sleeping is relative to people because when some are going to bed some are just starting the day and I can categorically say that in Lagos some people are actually nocturnal, owls and bats are still learning how to operate at night compared to these guys.


Most Youth Corpers want to serve in Lagos because of its boundless opportunities; many come to Lagos and never want to leave. Lagos is a hustler’s dream come true. This is where the young executives want to be and mingle. They say there is a particular attitude a Lagosian has, most people that live in the city of Lagos take pride in the fact that they live in Lagos. Gidi, Las Gidi as some call it.

I can go on and on with all the talk about Lagos but the one thing that baffles me the most about Lagos is not the people or the buildings or the places but it is the notorious traffic that keeps me wondering. The traffic here is phenomenal. Jeremy Clarkson of Top Gear said the traffic in Lagos can be attributed to evil spirits and I really do not doubt him because when you get to the end of the traffic and you don’t see anything that is causing it. Sometimes it’s the police, sometimes it’s the bad roads, sometimes it’s a broken down vehicle, sometimes its two idiots that have bashed their cars because one thinks he is James Bond, while the other thinks he is Jason Bourne and can maneuver through any tight angle, sometimes it could be a flood (for this reason, I have a set of paddles in the car to row when I can’t drive) and most times it is just nothing causing the traffic. I was in Port-Harcourt recently and I happened to drive during the peak period, not that there wasn’t traffic but compared to where I was coming from it was child’s play. God bless you if you drive a car without an air conditioner that also has a manual transmission gear in Lagos, if you fall into that category then you need three essential things- a good handkerchief preferably a hand towel, a cold bottle of water and sunglasses. If you don’t have any of them don’t worry, you can buy them in traffic. You need them because the heat and fumes from danfo buses and trailers are not a nice combo. Michael Angelo, the famous Italian painter said after painting the Sistine Chapel, he became twice his age over a period of about 4 years. I have become almost twice my age after driving in Lagos for over a year, one of the signs is that my hair line is receding faster than it should.

Now here is the most interesting part of it you have to leave home really early like you are like you are travelling by road to the northern most or eastern part of the country. If you don’t leave home in some cases before 6a.m forget about getting to work early and be ready for a query from your boss. People actually leave home at ungodly hours in Lagos (4.30a.m). Wait!!!………it doesn’t end there o! After a hard day day’s work you think the roads will be free? You’re a joker for thinking that, you’ll give Basket mouth a run for his money. Returning from work could be even worse than going to work. So what do you do? You stay back in the office to pass time. You continue working like you love the job so much, your boss passes by your cubicle or office and in his mind he is like ‘this dude works very hard, he even gives extra hours to the job plus the fact that he is always the first to get to work’. He even talks about your punctuality and the overtime you put in the job at the next departmental meeting and encourages your other colleagues to do the same. After that meeting your colleagues warn you not to stay that long in the office because they know your secret. Therefore, you join them in hanging out at a local bar that sells good fresh fish pepper soup or isi-ewu and with cold drinks or watch a movie at the cinema, good if it’s a champions league night cos instead of rushing home you hit a viewing centre to watch Arsenal and Real Madrid make a fool of themselves. All these activities come up because you want to escape traffic and what does this leave you with? Firstly, you go home at an ungodly hour, secondly for those that get carried away in the moment drink more than their limit, so inevitably they go home in stupor and we all know a hangover on a work night is not good and lastly don’t forget you have to wake up at another ungodly hour without proper rest to go to work.

With the traffic also comes another group of people that work according to where the traffic is. They move like nomads seeking green pasture, like vultures seeking carcass; if you want the best traffic reports, get the phone number of any random sausage roll (gala) hawker on any of your routes home and he’ll tell where the traffic is. These traffic hawkers move with per second accuracy.

The lists of the things you can buy in Lagos traffic are endless. From newspapers to magazines, from a complete tool kit set to knives, from sausages to cashew nuts, from wristwatches to handkerchiefs and underwear, from brooms to mops, from shoe polish to make up kits for women, from puppies with their kernels to rat poison, from cds to audio tapes(yes, audio tapes{radio cassette}. Who still uses them? But I still see them in traffic), from chewing sticks to tooth picks. In fact myth has it that you can even cook a pot of soup in traffic because all you need is in the traffic plus time for the food to get done.

I must say these hawkers are the real heroes of Lagos, you don’t know the countless lives they have saved from hunger and thirst in the heat of the Lagos afternoon traffic. My life is a testimony, not to mention the rechargeable lamp I bought recently and the fake Tag Heuer watch I bought in traffic, which of course stopped working a few minutes after I bought it and the watch guy had already disappeared to thin air. These days I don’t complain about the traffic, I just take it easy and enjoy the guys on radio cos that’s like the only time I listen to radio these days, anytime I get home is fine. Lagos……