1005% Human Hair (The beautiful ones are not yet born)

Whoever said the beautiful ones are not yet born? Well, the dude definitely did not live in the twenty first century. This decade has come with a large number of hotties not just in America but all over the world. With the likes of Beyonce, Rihanna, Gisele even our own Agbani Darego…I beg to differ that the beautiful ones are not yet born. But all the people I mentioned are all stars and we all know how much time and money goes into their looks. The beautiful ones I am really talking about are the girls next door, the girl that sits next to you in the bus or in class or in the cinema. Yes they are the beautiful ones, if you do not have a grip on yourself as a man you are bound to get confused, especially in places like the mall where you’ll almost become an owl. For your information owls are the only creatures that can turn their heads three hundred and sixty degrees, if you try this you’re not far from a whip lash!

Yeah! Yeah!! Yeah!!! The average female these days is a hottie but this could not be achieved without technology. Yes, you read it right…technology. With the invention of advanced makeup brandslike Mary Kay, Sleek, Mac, Black Opal, Fashion Fair even our own Orekelewa should not be left out, a hundred percent human hair that costs from about thirty grand to the price of a small second hand car, artificial nails and eye lashes, the ones that can afford it go for cosmetic surgey. There is absolutely no redeeming excuse for you not to be presentable. But sadly, all these things don’t make much difference to some babes, the likes of Estelle; I won’t mention more names here but look around you. Your neighbours, your colleagues, in the malls again and you’ll be surprised that for some girls no matter how hard they try to hide it, it doesn’t change much; It’s in the DNA. It’s really difficult to know who the truly beautiful ones are these days but I believe they have been born. Before I go on, it puzzles me when I hear women talk about getting a hundred percent human hair and I’m asking myself, isn’t their natural hair human enough? They begin to give me reason to insinuate that the hair on their head is some sort of artificial suede or fibre.

Here is one test to see a woman’s true looks. Friday night give her your phone, wallet or any item that is of value to you. On purpose make sure she forgets you gave her, so she can take it home. Saturday morning, you have a genuine excuse to knock on her door by 6a.m, make sure you do not call! At this time most women have not had their baths and are probably still in bed since it’s a Saturday. Therefore, no makeup, if possible no wig and there you go (please do not try it if she stays with her parents, they may just send the dogs after you). Makeup and weaves cover whole lot but they don’t cover all. That test may not give you all you need but it gives an idea of who the woman behind the mask is.

Forget all my previous yapping, I believe a woman’s true beauty is her character not her physical appearance because character is what keeps any man staying with a woman, I must also recognize the fact that, all the makeup and human hair that women put on to look beautiful not all the time but in some ways is because of us men. But sadly, we choose not to notice. Instead of appreciating them and telling them how good they look after spending a whole lot of money and time, we just look without saying anything. If it’s the hair, make a compliment and please be honest and remember the motive is not to get her phone number but just an honest compliment will do. Guys, it could be your wife, your mother, your girlfriend, your sister, your colleague or even any random girl. A compliment won’t hurt; you may just make someone’s day.   

Lagos...Centre of Excellent Traffic

Lagos the commercial nerve centre of Nigeria or the centre of excellence as its plate numbers state. Lagos, famous for its diversity of people, restaurants, cars, clubs, boats. Infamous for its filth, area boys and noise. If you can make it in Lagos, you can make it anywhere in the world, so they say. The night life is wonderful, from under the bridge in Obalende to the top night clubs in Ikoyi and Victoria Island, from the surroundings of the Atlantic Ocean to the slums of the mainland. It is a city that never goes to sleep. Sleeping is relative to people because when some are going to bed some are just starting the day and I can categorically say that in Lagos some people are actually nocturnal, owls and bats are still learning how to operate at night compared to these guys.


Most Youth Corpers want to serve in Lagos because of its boundless opportunities; many come to Lagos and never want to leave. Lagos is a hustler’s dream come true. This is where the young executives want to be and mingle. They say there is a particular attitude a Lagosian has, most people that live in the city of Lagos take pride in the fact that they live in Lagos. Gidi, Las Gidi as some call it.

I can go on and on with all the talk about Lagos but the one thing that baffles me the most about Lagos is not the people or the buildings or the places but it is the notorious traffic that keeps me wondering. The traffic here is phenomenal. Jeremy Clarkson of Top Gear said the traffic in Lagos can be attributed to evil spirits and I really do not doubt him because when you get to the end of the traffic and you don’t see anything that is causing it. Sometimes it’s the police, sometimes it’s the bad roads, sometimes it’s a broken down vehicle, sometimes its two idiots that have bashed their cars because one thinks he is James Bond, while the other thinks he is Jason Bourne and can maneuver through any tight angle, sometimes it could be a flood (for this reason, I have a set of paddles in the car to row when I can’t drive) and most times it is just nothing causing the traffic. I was in Port-Harcourt recently and I happened to drive during the peak period, not that there wasn’t traffic but compared to where I was coming from it was child’s play. God bless you if you drive a car without an air conditioner that also has a manual transmission gear in Lagos, if you fall into that category then you need three essential things- a good handkerchief preferably a hand towel, a cold bottle of water and sunglasses. If you don’t have any of them don’t worry, you can buy them in traffic. You need them because the heat and fumes from danfo buses and trailers are not a nice combo. Michael Angelo, the famous Italian painter said after painting the Sistine Chapel, he became twice his age over a period of about 4 years. I have become almost twice my age after driving in Lagos for over a year, one of the signs is that my hair line is receding faster than it should.

Now here is the most interesting part of it you have to leave home really early like you are like you are travelling by road to the northern most or eastern part of the country. If you don’t leave home in some cases before 6a.m forget about getting to work early and be ready for a query from your boss. People actually leave home at ungodly hours in Lagos (4.30a.m). Wait!!!………it doesn’t end there o! After a hard day day’s work you think the roads will be free? You’re a joker for thinking that, you’ll give Basket mouth a run for his money. Returning from work could be even worse than going to work. So what do you do? You stay back in the office to pass time. You continue working like you love the job so much, your boss passes by your cubicle or office and in his mind he is like ‘this dude works very hard, he even gives extra hours to the job plus the fact that he is always the first to get to work’. He even talks about your punctuality and the overtime you put in the job at the next departmental meeting and encourages your other colleagues to do the same. After that meeting your colleagues warn you not to stay that long in the office because they know your secret. Therefore, you join them in hanging out at a local bar that sells good fresh fish pepper soup or isi-ewu and with cold drinks or watch a movie at the cinema, good if it’s a champions league night cos instead of rushing home you hit a viewing centre to watch Arsenal and Real Madrid make a fool of themselves. All these activities come up because you want to escape traffic and what does this leave you with? Firstly, you go home at an ungodly hour, secondly for those that get carried away in the moment drink more than their limit, so inevitably they go home in stupor and we all know a hangover on a work night is not good and lastly don’t forget you have to wake up at another ungodly hour without proper rest to go to work.

With the traffic also comes another group of people that work according to where the traffic is. They move like nomads seeking green pasture, like vultures seeking carcass; if you want the best traffic reports, get the phone number of any random sausage roll (gala) hawker on any of your routes home and he’ll tell where the traffic is. These traffic hawkers move with per second accuracy.

The lists of the things you can buy in Lagos traffic are endless. From newspapers to magazines, from a complete tool kit set to knives, from sausages to cashew nuts, from wristwatches to handkerchiefs and underwear, from brooms to mops, from shoe polish to make up kits for women, from puppies with their kernels to rat poison, from cds to audio tapes(yes, audio tapes{radio cassette}. Who still uses them? But I still see them in traffic), from chewing sticks to tooth picks. In fact myth has it that you can even cook a pot of soup in traffic because all you need is in the traffic plus time for the food to get done.

I must say these hawkers are the real heroes of Lagos, you don’t know the countless lives they have saved from hunger and thirst in the heat of the Lagos afternoon traffic. My life is a testimony, not to mention the rechargeable lamp I bought recently and the fake Tag Heuer watch I bought in traffic, which of course stopped working a few minutes after I bought it and the watch guy had already disappeared to thin air. These days I don’t complain about the traffic, I just take it easy and enjoy the guys on radio cos that’s like the only time I listen to radio these days, anytime I get home is fine. Lagos……

Lemme have ur PIN

RIM the makers of Blackberry will tell you it is business solution. I personally call it the all time communicating device. What many do not understand about this device is that while other phones are phones, a Blackberry is not phone…. It is a Blackberry. What I mean is this; while other phones are built to make and receive calls where any other feature is an accessory. With the Blackberry calling and receiving calls is one of the things it can do. The Blackberry is designed to always keep you abreast of any info. This because you get your e-mail in real time, you’re on the internet 24/7 and you gossip on the notorious Blackberry messenger.


I choose to describe the Blackberry in this way; Jason Derullo is a star but Michael Jackson is a superstar, a Toyota is car but a Ferrari is a supercar, Motorola and Samsung (some Nokias too) are phones but Blackberry is a super phone. Now you get the picture……. (RIM should pay me for this). This device has been nicknamed the crackberry because of people’s addiction to it, some of the addiction signs include driving and chatting, going to the toilet with your BB, BB in on hand and stirring the pot of soup on the fire, constant low battery, headaches and aching thumbs. Long and short of it, you find it hard to drop it. I claim not to be too addicted but my girlfriend says that my BB is my first girlfriend and she is number two. I believe they both seem content with the positions they occupy in my life, I mean my BB and my GF. I am guilty of some of the things I’ve written below and above, so please fellow BB users no offense.

Well, to cut the long story short, I am writing this piece because the Blackberry presently is rather overhyped as some people say which is true to an extent for those who don’t know its purposes. I have witnessed a lot of abuse to the device and it is rather annoying. Some people see it as a social status symbol, like if you don’t have one you don’t belong….bollocks to that notion. Can I have your PIN? Please lemme have your PIN have become common statements and comments from people you barely know. Nothing wrong with making new friends but please don’t become my friend because of BB. There is nothing as annoying when you’re talking with someone and the person is being distracted because of the BB’s messenger or a notification on facebook that the person has to respond to. The Blackberry then becomes like a baby wanting constant attention or like a girl with low self esteem that wants to be reassured she is fine all the time. This I say because on BB you receive texts, e-mails, calls, facebook notifications, BB messages, yahoo messenger, at the end of the month you have to pay for your BIS subscription, you have to charge your phone often because of constant use in chatting. At every point in time the BB wants you clutching it and starring at it for one reason or the other. All these could be sometimes overwhelming. The secret to what broke the camel’s back was not that last straw but the million other straws underneath it. Yes, let me share what made me really write this piece. A friend of my got invited for an all BB party where none of them in attendance had met themselves, they were all members of a group on BB messenger. My friend happened to be the only one without a BB; the BB in fact was like your invitation. So my friend and her friend’s friends all get to the venue of the get together to meet for the first time and after introductions were made these……hold on, I’m still looking for the adjective to describe them but these people start chatting. No, no, no, not with their mouths but with their Blackberries!!! My friend got mad and left not out of jealousy but out of anger. I felt the same way when I heard it too. The whole idea was absurd. Every time I think about it, I get upset and ask how vain can people be? What happened to your good old mouth that has been there with you from the day you were born? Very soon married couples would stop talking in bed and only communicate with the BB messenger.

If you’re guilty of this kind of crime, yes! I call it a crime, you should be flogged on national TV and I owe you no apology. All the other blackberry sins may be forgive able not this one. There is a big difference between tech savvy and tech stupid. I personally know that the remarkable device called a Blackberry has a lot to offer but being vain and ridiculous is not amongst them.